For a variety of reasons many couples today want to get more involved in creating their own ceremony. In some cases it’s because they don’t want to risk leaving the ceremony in the hands of an officiant whom they don’t know out of fear that he or she may say something dreadful that contradicts their beliefs, or say it in a way that is somehow offensive. In other instances it is simply because they want to make this event a clear reflection of their intentions. Perhaps they have particular readings they would like to include, or ceremonial elements which they wish to create themselves. Whatever their reasons, it is important that couples getting married ask the officiant all of the questions they have and share all of their ideas and concerns, leaving nothing to chance.
Some officiants are relatively inflexible. They have standard ceremonies they use over and over, only changing the names of the bride and groom. For many couples this is not a problem, especially if they want a wedding on short notice. Another advantage is that they know exactly what will be said and how long it will take. Other officiants are willing to spend time getting to know you so they can develop a ceremony that fits who you are. For personalized ceremonies more lead time is necessary, and you should expect to pay more.
In addition some officiants offer premarital counseling. This could be a set number of sessions, or an open-ended agreement to examine issues with your partner that are fundamental to your understanding of what the marriage relationship entails. If the officiant is an ordained minister who has been through seminary training (not a mail-order minister) he or she, most likely, has some training and skills in this area. Be sure to ask. Find out what their experience is and what training they have had. Taking some time to identify areas of potential or actual conflict, or issues that may need to be clarified or resolved in order for you to feel confident about your ability to make this relationship work, is time well spent. Especially, if you or your partner have come from a broken family or if there are abuse issues or if your parent(s) were alcoholics or fought a lot, it would be prudent to see how your attitudes and expectations about marriage have been influenced by those circumstances. Finding ways to open up and speak about issues like these can significantly deepen your relationship and increase your trust and understanding of each other. Not dealing with such issues is like living with a time bomb.
Submitted By:
Rev. Brian Lyke, M.Div.
Life Celebrations